It hasn’t been until lately that I’ve started recollecting on the past. My past up until this point is something that I haven’t been truly proud of. I’ve gone to higher education at the collegiate level-the first in my family to do so-and that in its nature is something to be proud of-truly it is. But I haven’t been the nicest to people. I have. It been the most honest of individuals to strangers and individuals that I’ve known for so long. And what breaks. The thing that breaks my heart the most is how I have not been honest with myself %100 of the time. Alongside that I have not stuck to my own guns-focusing on my own self-truly focusing and staying focused is a road that I have not taken. I’ve never felt so lost in my life-goal oriented, financially and most importantly emotionally. I don’t know who I am because I’ve lied about who I am to many others so much that I’ve started believing my own BS. What kind of person is allowed such happiness in return? What kind of individual allows that to run wild like the wolves in the mountains in search for food? I’m not a starving wolf, so why do I act this way? I know the answer: attention, others to like me, etc. this is why I don’t have clarity and this is why I’m in this position of being lost internally.
I regret many things: having credit cards, lying to myself, not allowing relationships of all kinds to grow and having that hold me back from true happiness. Because true happiness possesses a big part in being honest, and I have not been honest. I’ve had these epiphanies before: where the vision of what I want to become is clearly visible and seen, but I shove it to the side and continue in aiding and promoting myself to an emotionally unhealthy lifestyle- leaking over to a destructive physical lifestyle where I smoke cigarettes partially because I do enjoy the feeling, but also because my head escapes i to the clouds where I can hide once again from dangers that do not exist. I have the utmost respect for individuals that do this. But I tell myself,”I can’t be like that. I’ve stated so many lies that I would be even more lonely now if I were to expose the truth that is really me in character.” Is this what is called a catch-22? Where if I state the truth to clear all things consciously and subconsciously I’ll be physically lonely? And if I don’t do any of this I will end up with the same emotions of being physically lonely? I’ve preached so much to others on many topics and yet when I look at my life, I have not followed of my own advice to the extent that I would have others believe it. This in turn makes me ask,”what is my purpose? What is it? Because I have blinded myself from seeing my own path.” My beliefs are off. My views are off. My own existence is lost in my own mind and I am now in search of discovering it.
Sierra Nevada Beer Camp Pack. Anyone try any of these yet? I can get a case of these (2 of each) for about $38. Seems steep, but I can say I haven’t had any of these and it might be worth it!
Russian River Sanctification - Started out mostly brett-y several years ago, but now deliciously sour.
Good reference point.
8hrs Craft Brewery is coming your way 😳.
Angus, Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever, Lynn Canyon Park, North Vancouver, BC
It’s one of those days where the only word I can relate to is: worthless. I can physically feel it: on my chest, neck, lower back, shoulders, cheeks and eyes. It’s one of those days where all I want to do is hurdle up in a ball and cry for reasons that can extend to infinity. At this point, I don’t know what joy is. I don’t know what happiness is and I’m faking laughter in order to seem ‘normal’. I don’t want to continue on anymore and I don’t see why I keep pushing to continue; it’s one of those days. I woke up sadder than ever it felt. I have no motivation, drive or ambition to reach my goals; all I want is to die. There, I said it. I want to die. I want to die if I keep having to put up with the roller coaster that is in me. I know nobody else would understand. All of this-what I’m feeling- leads back to my childhood, adolescence and into a young adult. Someone with the capabilities of making me feel better, please help. All I want is some fucking help with everything and anythjng that I am included in. My core is broken, and I need someone to aid me in repairing it.
Diamond is your clarity type and you’ve had me at a lost for words.
I let the ocean worry about being blue and I keep my focus
Eyes wide shut, I try not let you know what I have planned.
The constraint is on our ticking, I don’t think I’d ever say: I’d rather here the tick-tocks then to let our time go back to its bay.
Of the warmest lavender, and of the softest threads.
Of the kindest blue…secrets we share…place our heads upon your bed.
And this is where the fear comes in. This is where it all begins to fuck with my head.
I’ve started from ground zero so many times, each of them never wanting to end.