It’s one of those days where the only word I can relate to is: worthless. I can physically feel it: on my chest, neck, lower back, shoulders, cheeks and eyes. It’s one of those days where all I want to do is hurdle up in a ball and cry for reasons that can extend to infinity. At this point, I don’t know what joy is. I don’t know what happiness is and I’m faking laughter in order to seem ‘normal’. I don’t want to continue on anymore and I don’t see why I keep pushing to continue; it’s one of those days. I woke up sadder than ever it felt. I have no motivation, drive or ambition to reach my goals; all I want is to die. There, I said it. I want to die. I want to die if I keep having to put up with the roller coaster that is in me. I know nobody else would understand. All of this-what I’m feeling- leads back to my childhood, adolescence and into a young adult. Someone with the capabilities of making me feel better, please help. All I want is some fucking help with everything and anythjng that I am included in. My core is broken, and I need someone to aid me in repairing it.
Diamond is your clarity type and you’ve had me at a lost for words.
I let the ocean worry about being blue and I keep my focus
Eyes wide shut, I try not let you know what I have planned.
The constraint is on our ticking, I don’t think I’d ever say: I’d rather here the tick-tocks then to let our time go back to its bay.
Of the warmest lavender, and of the softest threads.
Of the kindest blue…secrets we share…place our heads upon your bed.
And this is where the fear comes in. This is where it all begins to fuck with my head.
I’ve started from ground zero so many times, each of them never wanting to end.
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"Most of what we’re consuming today is not food, and how we’re consuming it — in the car, in front of the TV, and increasingly alone — is not really eating. Instead of food, we’re consuming edible foodlike substances" — no longer the products of nature but of food science.
—Michael Pollan, from In Defense of Food.
Pollan explores the landscape of the American diet, where food has been replaced by nutrients, and common sense by confusion. The result is what he calls the American paradox: The more we worry about nutrition, the less healthy we seem to become. (via ucresearch)
Can I get a better place to let go it all?
Can I figure out what I want and how to be on top of it all?
I’m capturing all of my movements, captivated by knowing what I need to do and how to reassemble
Adjust my lens to see clear this Okinawa coming, it’s my turn to dance with my devils.
I’m saying good bye folks
Eye closed and the other looking through scope
Fingers gripping the handle of the rifle
Itching to pull it
Aiming at the man in the mirror
What am I prepared to die for?
I’m just tired.
I’m just weary.
No days off, I’m always putting in work even when I’m dreary.
You’re just the man that looks over the edging with nothing to see
And the oceans looking back at you
Yeah, its got you, and all of your dreams.
I’m day dreaming a lot about applauses that I think I deserve
Always self-conflicted about what I deserve.
Asking myself simple questions: what does it take to get what you want? How is relevant to your self-worth?
I entitled myself to gold cause the bronze I’m polishing has been needed adjustment since birth.
And lacking impatience isn’t gonna get me father, it’s not gonna tell me where to go cause I already got one father, fuck it I don’t need another.
My eyes burn, I’m lacking patience, all I see is Indigo
Coursing through my veins, I’m taking the fog as a symbol that’s blocking my clarity
Visions of a different me; I’m looking up to skies that don’t want the best of me.
Eyes blurred, visions stirred, I’m going fucking senile
Doing your best isn’t enough; I break down before you can break me down.
It’s like, the older I get the more fearful I become: not having a family and bein the only one
Marching to the sound of my own drum, man all I’ve ever wanted was simple treasures
But my head is getting filled with bigger dreams, I’m knowing not to get caught in simple pleasures.
Rapture like a mo’fucka’ and I ain’t playin with mo’fuckas’
That’s the voices in my head keeping me sane, keeping me real and letting everything get surreal
Disciplining myself for the glory I give my own appeal.
How it all began, I can’t remember how to start puttin the pieces together
My past is creepin up every time I look in the mirror and I can’t seem to get it together.
I’m thinking I got a hold on the situation
Yeah, I’m looking for that old word grasp
[faster] but I put up whatever’s in my hand up: I’m still the same dude that’s too shy to wave hello cause I’m psyching myself out of good things that I know will last.
Let me see you do better, let me see you get out clean-I like my dirty hands
I’ll get the job done-I wish I wasn’t being neglected by the people I wish wouldn’t be in my past.
I keep bringing up your name like I’m expecting you to be that somebody else
I keep telling me to get over what’s taking place and get on with the true self
Nobody gives a fuck about me: I smile and keep pursuing to build this wealth.
I’m phantom on this all
I’m the kid that never balled
I’m the dreamer in this world, yeah but I like to get raw.
I like to write and ignore bitches that always call; I’m chasing the ones that don’t
I ain’t got no problems, just solutions to this life’s minority vote.
Burning bridges that I’ve crossed over just to carry on, doing what I do best
Being a visionary, looking past others that aren’t complimentary
I’m creating my own pieces in this game of chest.
Talking shit about me, I don’t think that they’re wasting their time
Keeping my name in their vocabulary cause they already know it comes before the word ‘shine’.
The confidence is not do to my ego
Shows up here, sometimes not there
I still got work to do, not being equal in all parts has got me a little scared
But heaven only knows: I’m here to brighten up new patches of darkness, I’ll leave the imitation up to these other glares.
I’m getting to understand that not everything will go my way, not every decision will be right that I make and not every dinner is gonna include steak
Not always gonna be surrounded by the people who’ll make me great
Enough with the enough, bullshit is welcome but I won’t let it dine with me, success is my real date.